GroshLink

As you may summize from my post Stack of Kerry Patterson, I entered Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high (Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Al Switzler, Ron McMillan. McGraw-Hill Companies: 2002) with some skepticism.  None-the-less, I was willing to give Vital Smarts a second try and it was worth it.

What is a crucial conversation?

A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong (p.3).

How does we approach crucial conversations?

• Avoid
• Face and handle poorly
• Face and handle well (p.3)

Yes, so what do the authors recommend with regard to handling crucial conversations well?  They begin by outlining why things go wrong.

• Our design [Note:  this is defined socially, adding material on the Fall & Original Sin would improve this section]
• Pressure
• Stumped, i.e., don't know where to start 
• Self-defeating responses

Then they point out "changing structures and systems alone did little to improve performance" [in organizations]. ... In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable -- regardless of level or position.  The path to high productivity passes not through a static sytem, but through face-to-face conversations at all levels. ... In truth everyone argues about important issues.  But not everyone splits up.  It's how you argue that matters." (p.10-11).  Amen!  Preach it!  An excellent introduction to "Mastering Crucial Conversations:  The Power of Dialogue."

What is dialogue?

The free flow of meaning between two or more people.

The authors point out that we seek to grow the Pool of Shared Meaning, which is the birthplace of synergy, as we engage in crucial conversations (p.23).  And how do we go about crucial conversations:

• Start with the Heart [i.e., proper understanding of self (including wanted and unwanted in the crucial conversation) and relationship with those in crucial conversation]
• Learn to observe when one is part of a crucial conversation or has become a part of a crucial conversation.  
  • Physical, Emotional, Behavioral signs
  • Watch for safety concerns
  • Understand how you respond to stress
  • Establish dialogue create a safe environment for crucial conversation
    • Apologize
    • Contrast one's intentions versus how one has been understood/portrayed
    • CRIB (p.92)
      • Commit to seek Mutual Purpose
      • Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy
      • Invent a Mutual Purpose
      • Brainstorm new strategies
• Telling the story well by
  • Retracing your path to action:  action, feeling, telling story, see/hear
  • Telling the whole story instead of a clever story which takes one off the hook by creating villian(s), victim(s), and helpless
  • STATE (p.124)
    
    • Share your facts
    • Tell your story
    • Ask for others' paths
    • Talk tentatively
    • Encourage testing
• Listening to stories which are shared with you (p.159)
  
  • AMPP
    • Ask
    • Mirror
    • Paraphrase
    • Prime
  • ABC
    • Agree
    • Build
    • Compare
• Decide How to Decide (p.178)
  • Command
  • Consult
  • Vote
  • Consensus
  • "Determine who does what by when.  Make the deliverables crystal clear.  Set a follow-up time.  Record the commitments and then follow up.  Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.

In simplist terms, Learn to look.  Make it safe for everyone to contribute (p.180-181).